| Caitlin: |
[13 Sep 2003|09:54am] |
I can't post any replies on your entry (god only knows why..)
So I'll say so here.
"What the fuck."
You're mom's on crack. Really. Or.. Nitrous Oxide... which I didn't even know could *be* a drug... go figure.
You're welcome to crash at my house a couple days if she goes ballistic on you..(I think.. I'd have to con the Units into accepting, because they're not liking many of my friends right now)
Hope you find the jerk and beat the snot outta him for leaving his shit in your car.
Luffles--
Dragon
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[12 Sep 2003|12:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
My work schedule bites royal ass.
I was supposed to have last Tuesday and Wednesday off.. but they called me in on Tuesday, so I worked 3-9, went home, and sulked because I couldn't go to Shovel's.
Wednesday, I didn't get called in, which is good.. but I still didn't get to spend much time with him. School, you know. And he's taking night classes now, too, which means even LESS time.. but he wants to graduate this year instead of next, and I understand.
I hate not being in high school anymore. I want to go back.
My next day off isn't until Tuesday of this week, I think. But I work crap hours up until then.
4-8 today (hours I prefer)
12-3.30, then 4-C tomorrow..
3-C or 4-C on Sunday prolly (I haven't looked yet)
And something stupid for Monday, too.
And, as much as I tell everyone I *hate* this job.. I don't. I hate the hours of this job.
But.. I was hired for "nights and weekends", so it is "nights and weekends" I must work.
On the upside, I got paid yesterday. $153 and some change... $50 of which went directly to my mother for rent. Between what's left of last week's pay, and what I'm not spending of this week's.. I have about $125 that I can put in the bank for savings.
It's going to be a LONG time before I save up enough $$ for anything important.. like school.. But it'll happen.
Unfortunately, it'll happen at the expense of what was left of my "social life". But not like I care much about that. The Friends are still there, even if I can't see them...
Right..?
Listen to the voices in your head
You know they're your friends
Always have the decisions that you make
-DragonShadow
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| The one thing I hate more than L33T? HACKERS. |
[03 Sep 2003|11:47am] |
Dear Hacker:
Don't try that again. Next time, I won't be so leniant in my punishment of your sorry hide.
--
Someone has been hacking into my LJ. And I don't know who it is. On the upside, I found out that they changed my password to "getalife".
Glad I fixed that. I might have been offended by the black-faced sheep that decided they'd be funny by fucking with someone else's stuff.
Try it again, and we'll see who's laughing.
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| *puts Arsenic in her Tea* |
[29 Aug 2003|12:12pm] |
Why does everyone have to be a jerk? One "someone" in particular here, or maybe two.. but I don't want to offend the first by categorizing him with the second.
The first is Mr. I-Hate-Sugar himself. Because He used a sugar coating to say something that shouldn't have been said. And because He thinks that He doesn't need Her friendship, when I think He does. I don't know what's best for Him, but I know what's best for Her, and She cannot lose His friendship. Decipher THAT.
The second is Evil Incarnate, and I think that, without directly putting a name to him, we can all understand who he is. Note the lack of capitalization, to go hand in hand with the lack of respect.
If you understand, then more power to you.
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[18 Aug 2003|10:13am] |
I haven't updated in a while... So let me fill you all in on a few things.
I'm not going to RIT this year, because I can't come up with the money, first off, and my parents don't think I'm ready to handle all the stress of moving away and being on my own, and whatnot. I'm staying home, living at home, and I'll go to UMO the second semester of this year.
Until then, I am working. I went out early this morning (I'm just getting back from wherever) to send in applications for jobs. Applied to gas stations along North Main street, went to Brooks and the Airline Pharmacy, went to IGA but they're not hiring. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to find a couple more places, and then I wait.
Day after tomorrow, I have to call IGA, Brooks, Millers, and the Mobil station, and ask them polite questions, like have they had a chance to look over my application, have they hired anyone for the position yet, and do they think I could get an interview for work.
So until then, I wallow in mysery, or whatever. Because I'm feeling dead-tired, no matter how much sleep I get (which hasn't been too much, lately, but I can safely say I'm getting a lot more than Shovel is, because the kid just doesn't sleep..). And to make things even more wonderful, my demons just happened to want to wreak havoc on me now.
Don't I feel loved.
--
My dog is trying to clean the floor in the living room, which my mother coated with acid (it's supposed to "burn" away the dirt on the grout.. literally "burn" it; hence the smoke-fogginess yesterday in dah house). I hope he burns his tongue off or something, because I keep yelling at him to stop licking the floor, and he keeps on not listening. It'll serve him right, the fiend.
--
You can all be proud of me now. I'm not so worthless anymore.. sort of. I went out and looked for a job. One point for me. I conquered a small corner of the massive block in my brain that controls my anti-touch-ness, and gave Shovel a hug. A real one, in person.. and it was mostly freely given (there was a small part of it that was forced, because he said he wasn't going to leave until he got one, and my mother was having a caniption because he wouldn't leave.. Oo)
So all is well, for the most part. Except for the demons attacking me thing. And I ran out of my demon-depresser pills. Makes me angry.
--DragonShadow
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[06 Aug 2003|12:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
Pull up a chair. Waiter, table for two. Yes, yes, we'll take that one in the corner. The one with Worthless written all over it.
Now then, on to business.
How am I supposed to get over $3000 before the end of the month, praytell? Payment due before services rendered.
Stupid money.
I suppose it's my fault, for not getting a job. Oh, yes, I'm such a loafer.
Sometimes I wish people would just force me to do things they know I'll later regret for not doing.
But they don't. Because they're my parents. Maybe they'll be nice and kill me.
Ah, but they cannot.
If I die, I won't be around to fix people's problems anymore. What will I do with myself, then? Nothing? Gee, won't that be a DRASTIC change from the norm. Not.
Oh, piffle.
I can't die anyway. If I did, there would be no one to greet all the lost souls. That was Anubis' job, but I took it from her. Maybe she'll want it back.
No, she won't. The pay sucks, and hours are long. I never get a break from this crap, do I? But, who's to say I deserve one? I haven't done anything productive with my life.
Nothing at all.
I shattered my theories on life, hence clearing myself of the numbing fog I've been surrounded with all my life. That's productive.
But complaining about life's defects is not.
I'm full up, how about you? Yes, full of this crap. Of my crap. Of life's crap. Here, let me pick up the tab.
Check, please.
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| My new away message. |
[23 Jul 2003|06:15pm] |
I know my place, in the run of things. I am only as useful as I make myself, and right now, I am naught but useless.
No job, and that's my fault. No life, and that's my fault. No sympathy from friends; but I don't want any. And no remorse for what I've done to myself, because I just don't care.
I deserve what's come to me through the spirits' will, and I deserve the angry fingers pointing at me. The demons are in charge now, so give me what I've come to live for.
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| Beam me up, Scotty |
[23 Jul 2003|05:27pm] |
What an eventful day, let me tell you. Phil went to Togus for an appointment with the doctors out there; he'll be back sometime tomorrow, I think. Mom's working until 9.30 again, leaving me with a very Puky-looking Lissy.
Yes, you read right. Puky-looking. She was (pardon if I skip over the sugar) up all night heaving her guts out.. and, while I didn't get the *pleasure* of seeing it, I could smell it quite well. It was not pleasant. And... for a little 60-pound rag-doll of a child, let me tell you, this little Chica can make the most gruesome noises when she's sick.
And she made a point to be really REALLY loud about it. At 1.30 in the morning, right after I had finally turned of my puter and crawled up to my little spot on the bed. And then, as if that wasn't enough, we all get to sleep for a few hours (she wasn't quite finished until after 2), and she started being all barfy again around 6.
It was bad enough for mom to call into work and say she'd come in tomorrow, instead, because she really needed some sleep.
So, that was my day. To top it all off, I have succeeded in my life-long mission: to make all who know me loathe me beyond reason, because...
*ghasp*
I'm an intolerable fucking BITCH when I'm in pain. Yes, pain. The demonic sort of internal pain that only the truly privileged get.
Don't I feel special.
--
To top everything off, I feel like junk. I probably don't look much better, either. Must shower--I did laundry and ran into the barfsoupy-sheets. INTO THE LAUNDRY, I COMMAND THEE, O STINKY ONES.
And.. I don't know. I just feel dirty. Maybe it's from the laundry. Maybe it's from the demons. Maybe it's from making a bitch of myself again.
From ye who deserves a ritual beating,
DragonShadow
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[14 Jul 2003|12:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
Maki-Maki!!
You all moved intah your new place yet, Wolf-for-brains??
*gnaws on Wolfy's ear*
You have to tell us how it is down there, Joz. *commands* WE MUST KNOW! Acuz... y'know... we want to know that you're not all dead-like and rotting.
It'd be good if you were very not-dead-like and not rotting.
*snarfs fire at a small bug*
And I think you still have Aubri's sweatshirt. XX; I was supposed to get that from you before you left.... oops?
*dirtclod* you, Wolfy!
Dragon-breath
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| Shovel.. |
[10 Jul 2003|02:38pm] |
|
My initial reaction was that of acceptance, but as you continued explaining, I then thought to decline. It is a very thoughtful offer, and I was grateful, but still wanted to decline after writing out my last entry.
However, he exploded again, only minutes after you left. I really wish that you could have seen themes he made, and heard the noise, but at the same time, I am glad that you didn’t.
Remember when he came home, then went across the street? How I had said that I wished he’d leave again? As you know, he didn’t leave. It turns out, he FLIPPED out at mom. He called her stupid and accused her of being drunk. Then he came back and went to bed, right, and my mother came home and got online. I thought it was odd, at the time, that she was so quiet. She didn’t even look at us for almost the entire time. I think she was suffering from shock, or shame, or something.
After you left, Phil came down and called her stupid, and said she should have been home “parenting” instead of getting drunk. She argued something, and said that she’d only had one class (about 4 oz, she said that, too) of wine. Then Phil called her a moron, and later a bitch, when she wouldn’t clean the kitchen.
“Is it so bad that YOU have to lie to me, too?!”
Alright. My mother is not a liar. She said she only had one glass, then she only had one glass. Why can’t he just trust her?
Why can’t he trust us? Sure—he said the trusted me, and didn’t trust you—but it should really be the other way around. I’ve let him down to many times, and the same holds true for him letting me down, and my mother. And his mother. And his kids. If he trusted me, then he’d know that I DO have a brain, and I know what’s acceptable between you and I, and what’s not. He should know me better than t his!
All he’s ever done is blame, and all he’ll do is blame. There’s no changing that.
Initially I had my mind made up, to stay with my family, because, as Bill said: I am afraid of change. But he threw a fit, Russ. You have no idea. He didn’t strike us or anything—but he tromped into the kitchen and overturned the table entirely. Everything on the table was trashed or shattered—dishes, a plant pot filled with dirt (and maybe a plant, but I didn’t find anything), ashtrays, I think a very big bowl of macaroni and sauce, judging by all the macaroni on the table/chairs/floor; and by the great spots I mopped clean…. All of it was totally destroyed.
When I heard him swear and flip the table, I stormed into the kitchen and yelled for him to leave. See, that’s me, pushing the damn sheep around. Both he and mom glared at me, and Phil told me to stay out of it, as if it was none of my business. But, it IS my business. Because it’s my fault that he got angry again, and my fault he was yelling at her, and my fault that he tore the kitchen apart in all his fury. My fault, my business.
Can’t say I didn’t try. I would have kept pushing, but I was just a bit afraid after the dark look he gave me.
They yelled some more, as par usual, and he told her to clean up the kitchen. Her reply was ‘your mess, you clean it’. So then he tells her to “help” him clean the kitchen. Again, same reply.
He got all pissed off, and both of them went upstairs for a few minutes. I went into the kitchen, saw that he had at least rightened the damn table, and set to work sweeping everything up. Mom came down, and (almost) yelled at me for cleaning up after Phil. “Let him clean it. I won’t, I’ll let it stay there all week until he cleans it.” I told her that he’d never do it, but I left it be anyway. To my surprise, and very reluctantly I think, he go the dustpan and swept up. Then he ordered me to mop the floor. Mom said that I could do it if I wanted to, but that she wouldn’t. So I did.
But before I could, Phil told me that I had to sweep the floor again. I asked why, since he just had, and he said he didn’t do a good job, and that I had to sweep it again before I could use the mop. Maybe I’m just thick… but if he KNEW that he didn’t do a good job, then why didn’t he go back and do it again? But I did it, anyway.
--
So I was thinking about that Right and Left thing again. I thought that I had made up my mind. Maybe I did. I’ve sort of been jumping from side to side in this. First I wanted to, then I was afraid. After this, I want nothing more than to get out. I can’t stay here if he doesn’t trust me, or you; and I don’t like the way he looks and acts towards you. He’s more chauvinistic than you are stubborn, and I am really getting sick of his persona. But, while I want away from this.. it won’t save anything. Not my sanity, not my health, and not my sense of self. Maybe it would buy time, but probably not. I think it would only aggravate the wounds he and I have inflicted on each other, and only worsen his temperament towards you.
I don’t want that to happen—I know that he liked you, before all this bullshit. Maybe part of it was your fault; but if I hadn’t told them about the stuff with Jeff, and had instead said something like you dad was always working, or something, then he wouldn’t have placed mistrust in you so readily.
I know.. that you don’t like it when I say this.. and you say that it erases nothing and doesn’t help.. but I’m sorry. And, please believe me.
It’s twice now, that I’ve considered your mother’s offer—and twice that I’ve decided against it. First time, I guess, was because of what Bill said. And, he was absolutely right about everything, except that my freedom lies on both paths. I don’t have any freedom, therefore, it lies nowhere. Second time, I think, is because that now, I not only fear because of my family, but I now fear for my family. And unless something else drastic happens, then I want to stay with my mother.
Even if she’s angry at me, even if she yells. I’ve never hated her the way I’ve hated Phil. Sure, her silent temper gets unnerving, but at least she has some control. I need her to protect me, and she needs me to protect her. Because, if someone’s around when Phil gets upset, then he tends not to act quite so rash.
And besides, my mother and sister are the only family I have left that trust me. If I leave them too early, I might break the only remaining bond I have with them. I don’t want to burn the bridges—not yet. But if it comes to that, and if the only way for me to see you, for some reason, is to move out, then don’t think that I’d hesitate for a moment.
Just promise you’ll be there for me.
DragonShadow
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| Fork in the Road |
[09 Jul 2003|10:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Eager/Dismayed |
] |
[2 days ago]
Today was.. rather uneventful. Talked to Rubii for a while, tried to reclaim lost territory at MBV, talked a bit with Anubis. I also had a conversation with Cam, who I've not talked to in.. a long time. Shoot the shit, y'know, and I gave him the link to my LJ so he could read about my wonderful Saturday, to save time and a lot of explaining on my part. I'm waiting to see what he'll say about that, if anything. Russ came over for a while; we sat online (or, rather, I sat online, he sat on the floor) doing nothing productive until about 9.30, when he told me he had to be home by 10. So, being the tard I am, offline I go, and we go outside and sit on the porch steps (I sat on the steps, he stood on the lawn) and had a bit of a talk. I did most of the listening, with an occasional glare at a certain Fungus who wouldn't go away.
So basically, the conversation came down to this. I've reached a fork in the road with myself. Russ and his mother had dinner together earlier today, and she proposed something to Russ, who forwarded the idea to me. She knows that, while I want/need/don't want a job, and while I am both supposed to get out of the house and find one AND stay home, do housework, and watch Fungus, I am in a very difficult situation. She knows that Phil and I have a tolerant relationship now, that is only skin-deep and slow in recovering. She knows that I am only 17, but that I have already graduated high school, and am capable of supporting myself if I had a stable job.
To the left of the fork, the short, smooth path. it is laiden with worn tracks that resemble those I have been following all my life. Down this road is familiar territory--the pain, happiness, and physical surroundings that I am used to. However, a month-and-a-half down this path will bring a sharp slap in the face, when I have to go down to Rochester for a week of RIT orientation. And upon my return, a second, more vicious attack, brutally painful, as I leave everyone for good and move down to Rochester permanently.
To the right of the fork, there lies a path barely visible through all the tumbleweed and dust. This path was walked once before, but not my me. Though circumstances and reasons were different for each of us, the path that lays before me is the same as the one that was set before him. This ill-beaten path is the same one Torrey took, when he moved out of his house and into Wolf's.
Russ' mother said that she's willing to compromise. If I can hold a job, and support myself by paying rent, I am invited to live with her in Bangor.
Good things: I will be greeted with that first slap, but it will be much sooner, and much more gentle. I will have the freedom that I lack now, and I will have a job/be away from my family/not have everyone controlling my "life". And, hopefully, I'll be able to see Russ a lot more often, and be able to have him stay late, perhaps, and not get in nearly as much trouble.
Bad things: Instead of two blows, Life will be giving me three or four consecutive hits. I will have the job I need, the money I need, and the freedom I want--but at what price? I don't want to turn into Torrey. I don't want Russ' mother to see the side of me that only y family and close friends have seen. I want out, and I want it badly; but I don't know if I want to move out entirely. Last summer I had 42+ hours of work each week, so I wasn't home much, and my lack of freedom didn’t seem that insufferable. But I don't have that job now; I don't have those hours now; and my family relations were much better back then than they are now.
So, it's come down to that. Left or right; easy at first, or hard the whole way through; two points Life, or four; stay with my current lair, or go out and try to build a new one. Either way, I do need a job, and I will get one. I have to. If I stay home, I'll need it to keep my sanity/save money for school. If I move in with Russ' mother, I'll need it to keep me out of her way/pay rent/save money for college. Looking at it that way, going left would seem the better option. But my only freedom lies on the Right path, not the left one.
I don't know what to do now. Russ gave me this option, sort of thinking that it would have been wiser to not say anything. I'm glad he did, though, even if doing so has given me the worst case of confuzzlement ever. He was sincere about it, even though he said that I should work this out on my own--he made it clear that he was willing to help, to cover my back in a sense, and even to help me out money-wise. And he was DEAD serious. And, again, I was overcome with the huge need to give Him a warm hug and thank him from the depths of my very being. Yet, again, the feeling was gagged back by my heedless fear of physical contact. If he could feel what I felt, though, before the fear killed the urge, I think he would understand.
Every part of me loves him for doing this for me. I think he's the first person I've personally met (other than Wolf) who would back me in my every action, even if it meant putting his own life on the line. Because when he said, "If you know you're going to die, come to me first and I'll go with you", he meant it. Because he knows what I'm up against.
He said that, basically, I am in a battle. And were I to fight right now, I would only lose. I am against four enemies; a 1:4 match, and not in my favor. And, were I to turn around to check that my back is clear, I would be ambushed from the front. He said that, if nothing else, he would stand behind me, cover my back, so I wouldn't have to turn around to see that I was safe, and so I wouldn't give my enemies the chance to strike.
For someone recovering from an "allies are better than friends" trip, I can think of nothing more reassuring than that someone’s covering up my tracks and watching my back. That's all a Dragon could ever ask for, is someone like that.
My friend, my ally; my gratitude.
DragonShadow
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| Okai, BYE. |
[02 Jul 2003|06:17pm] |
One more thing before I leave...
My computer ATE my music folder. And all it's subfolders. And all 300 files/songs/pictures I had saved/stored/downloaded there. ALL MY STUFF IS TRASHED!!
--0
I hate Dell computers. They should DIE.
DragonShadow: "Die. Die. Die. ROT IN HELL JERKFACE!"
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| Why I hate weekends II: Sequel to the horror |
[02 Jul 2003|05:10pm] |
|
He says the entire thing was his fault, because he should have taken responsibility and called his dad. While that may be true, it was just as much my fault, as it was his. I'm the one who told Jozzy I'd wake her up in a couple hours, and I'm the one who didn't tell him when it was almost 1. He takes all the blame for himself, though, and refuses to push it onto anyone else. While that may be noble, it's still stupid, yes, dammit, I AM selfish! And I want him to let me have some of the blame for what happened. Gimmie, gimmie! MINE TOO! *snarl*
I went around all that day in a unique state of mind. A state that seemed so emotionally detatched, so emotionally dead, so numb. I just wanted my body to die, to rot for the brain's sins. I suppose the word for what I felt could only be described as insanity. And, I'm serious. I had become so upset that morning, I had gone from a state of mind equivilant to a killing spree, to a state of shock rivaling the eerie silence, the eerie calmness of death itself. I was insane for a day, because I could not think any thought, nor could I feel any emotion. Not even pain, to which I am so accustomed.
I've talked it over a little bit with Kelly. She's made me feel a lot better about the entire thing. It's just.. reassuring.. the way she puts everything. Like, she blamed the entire thing on a "lapse of judgement", and she knows that, after what happened, noe of us will EVER have such a "lapse" again. She also blamed it on Phil, saying that he, as the adult in the situation, should have been the one to keep his head over the whole thing. He shouldn't have exploded like he did, because I wouldn't have become
so deathly afraid of going home with him, had he at least controlled his temper, if not his tone. Kelly
also said that her kids aren't used to seeing an adult manhandle a kid, and certainly not a daughter. If I hadn't of called the police on him, Jozzy probably would have--if not for violating her orders not to come in the house (trespassing, in other words), then for hurting me. Frankie and little Dana, and Jozzy too; they have NEVER seen a kid be treated like that before. But Kelly and the boys were in New Hampshire, so thankfully they still haven't witnessed anything like that. And, hopefully, then won't, because when Jozzy did, she TOTALLY lost it.
I'm proud of her for it, I truly am. She has the courage that I don't: courage driven by anger, and love. What courage I have is driven only by anger, and it's not powerful enough to stand up to Phil. But hers was, and she did what I thought was impossible. She did what even Russ wouldn't do.
She stood up in his face, and she screamed at him. For coming in the house, for accusing us of smoking pot, for grabbing my arm and pulling me down the stairs. For everything.
Russell didn't stand between us, because he told Jozzy that he respects Phil. I do too, or I used to, for a time. But his reasons for staying out of it are his own. I admit, I am a little hurt that he didn't try to help; but I can't hold that against him. I won't, because I can understand the conflicts of interests, I guess.
What I also understand, though, is that he was a little shaken. I couldn't tell then, because I was a little occupied, what with yelling and crying and all, but after hearing a conversation between him and Jozzy, it was a little more apparent. He doesn't want to do anything to push me away. Maybe he thought that I would be angry at him for interfering. I wish I could tell him, though. He could only really push me away by siding with Phil, or directly attacking me the way Phil did. Hoarseplay and wrestling, bruises gained from that are one thing. Tenderness from an almost-actual assult, though, is another thing.
I cried into his chest after Jozzy pulled me back and Phil stormed out of the house. And the only think I really wanted from him right then was a hug, or for him to pull my hair back as he sometimes does when I'm tired. Anything really. All he could do was stand and watch and listen, though. I think he was scared.
I think Torrey was scared, too. He didn't move from his spot on the couch--I don't think he even moved at all the entire time. He couldn't say or do anything, either. And, I guess Kelly gave him quite an earful for that, too. For not saying anything when Phil directly trespassed, or when he tried to force me to go with him. Or when Phil said we had been smoking. Or when he had commented on us "sneaking around" where there were "no adults around". Um, hi... hello.. Torrey is an "adult", is he not?? He's 19.
But, I don't blame him. Just like I don't blame Russ. If you don't get involved, you don't get in trouble, and you don't get black-listed in Phil's eyes. I think that's what they both feared most. But still. I vowed to protect Torrey throughout our Senior year, and he probably took it as a joke--but I meant it. Even in our scuffles; someone went after Torrey, and I nailed them. And Torrey didn't so much as breathe a word the entire episode. At least Russ spoke. And I'm sure that Jozzy respected Phil, too--but that didn't stop her from leaping into the fight. And she had only woken up 10 minutes prior to all that.
When she crawled into the den from the bedroom, the first thing she did after I told her what was going on was give me a reassuring hug and tell me it'd be alright. See, guys, support. That's what I needed, and offering something like that--even if it wasn't exactly the truth, is a good thing. Earns you brownie points in the long run, and it's what friends do for each other.
Kelly had a talk with Meme, and had told her that she shouldn't have sent me home with Phil, that she should have made Phil leave. Kell also wants to have a talk with Phil himself, about keeping his cool and being a "responsible adult", and calling her daughter a troublemaker and a liar, after TRESPASSING in KELLY'S house.
Torrey, I'm not angry with you. And I'm sorry I called you a fuckhead--you really aren't. You had your reasons for staying out of it, and I respect that. You're still on my good side, and I'm still your Guardian, if you want me.
Russ, my dear, don't think I'm angry with you over this, either, because I'm not. The only part of you I'm angry with is your work schedule, because all I really want to do is find you, give you a huge hug, and say that I'm sorry. It was my idea for you to stay in the first place--and so, my fault. And don't worry about pushing me away, because I don't think it'd be too easy to pull off, anyway. Just remember what I've told you from the start, and you're in the clear for life.
Jozzy, my Wolfface, you are a true friend. I didn't get to say anything before now, but thank you. Best of friends is the first to the wolves (pardon the expression)--but I'll find a way to rescue you. Strength to you, always, because you're definitely a front-line fighter.
Love you all,
Shadow
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| Why I hate weekends, reason 1 |
[30 Jun 2003|05:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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numb/cold/suicidal |
] |
"Next time, tell that stupid bitch to stay off the phone when someone calls for me!"
Yeah, well sure, okay. Go ahead and call me names. Every goddamned fucking cuss word you can think of, just go ahead and say it. I won't mind, or I just won't say anything. That's fine. Make me cry, not of pity for myself or for your self--I would never pity you again--make me cry out of anger. Like you always have, always do, and always will.
I will make it to your funeral, and I will cry. The reasons will not be for you to know, and for you to never find out.
I fucking HATE you and all that you've done to me. You saved my life when you took my mother and I under your wing. I know that, back then, you were a caring, gentle person, but I don't remember any of it. I was too little to remember you as the person my mother married. She marred, out of love.
But now she has threatened to divorce, out of hatred. And you threaten her, and she fears, and she doesn't follow through with the divorce. I wish she had.
You left for beautiful Florida, a place where an ugly soul like yours will never belong. But you came back, and the first thing you did was come to the house as if you'd never left. And the first thing you said to me was an order.
Well fuck you, your royal-ass fucking highness. It was MY mother's house, because YOU left. You can't come back 9 days later and be like "go get me the phone; when's your mother get home,; go buy me a soda; what's in the fridge, I'm hungry; get me something to eat."
It doesn't work that way. When you left, you took our money with you. You borrowed a LOT of money from N, your own mother, and left. Just you, your ego, and your bike. THe three most important things in your life.
And to think, you call ME selfish. I am selfish around family, because it's the only way to survive. I'm not so selfish around friends, or those I love. I'm modest as hell around Russ; but somehow, I'm still stupid, I'm still selfish, and I'm still putting up with your garbage.
You've been pushing me all my life, you dirty human. How dare you say I'm pushing you too far? Let me explain things for you, my slave-driver.
--
Plan it out.
Jozzy came over. We went to her house, we were online for a bit, talking to a few people. Russ was one of them. Chat, chat.. I haven't seen you in 2 days, I say; and he asks "you can't live 2 days without my company?"; Well, maybe I can't; brb, he said. And 20 minutes later, he's at Jozzy's, peeking through the window. "I told you I'd be right back," and he comes inside and sits on the bed. We try to help Jozzy get herself a sub-profile for a while, during which I half fell asleep on the bed as Russ tickled my feet. Torrey came home and Russ left to go greet him welcome, and what not, (Russ and Torrey are like two little puppies..) and I told Wolf I had been shafted for Torrey. So she goes and fetches my Shovel back, and we sit on the bed for another half hour or so, then we get up and walk around a bit. I can't remember what came first, the hoarseplay or Smush, but anyway. A couple rounds of SSB (N64 version) later, we were all sitting in the living room, and ended up wrestling on the carpet, fighting over an empty 2 liter of orange soda, and my half full Dr pepper. The Orange was weapon, the Dr pepper was hostage, and it was Wolf/Dragon vs. Shovelsama. Give us a about 40 minutes (during which his dad came to pick him up, but we said that we could give him a ride home later), also during which Jos was crushed several times, both of us were dragged around by wrists, arms, or legs, and we aquired a few rugburns while being wrestled into very akward positions.. and finally we just gave up that and continued searching for my stuff (Shovel had taken it all and hid it around the house, that's how the wrestling had come about). We got tired, and Joz went back to the computer for a bit; that's when Torrey came home. Then Joz and I were sitting on the floor, Russ in the rocking chair, and Torrey on the couch, watching the end of some wierd movie. Jozzy ended up going to bed, and I told her I'd wake her up in a few hours to bring Russ home. Russ and I sat on the floor and watched Spawn; halfway through, I laid back and started falling alseep. He gave me the pillow he was using, then later, a blanket, and then he fell asleep beside me as I was holding his hand (second time that's happened). I totally zonked out soon anfer, waking up in the morning to a stiff side from sleeping on the floor; and found that Russ had moved to the fouton in the den. Torrey, couch; Russ, fouton; Jozzy, bed; me, floor. Let's make that VERY clear? Because this is where all the trouble started..
Torrey woke up, he and Jordan went for a walk, and Russ stole his spot on the couch after he and I talked in the sleepy language... so Torrey comes hone, Jordan leaves, Torrey comments to Russ: "Every time I see you, you're somewhere different. Floor last night, fouton this morning, now the couch."
Then Torrey goes and takes a shower, comes out all man-smelly, and starts a game of Halo. Russ and I watch for a bit, then the phone rings. Torrey answers it first, then no one answers, then I answer it. It was Phil.
"Who stayed over last night?"
"It was...just..me and Jozzy and Torrey."
"Funny.. Russell's dad called; he never came home last night. Where's he?"
"That's bcause he slept on the couch in the den." (I meant the fouton, but couldn't remember the word)
"I want you to get home, NOW."
Okay, now give it two minutes, during which I sludge back into the living room for a sec, then into the bedroom where I stare at sleeping Jozzy for a bit through bleary eyes, then I return to the living room and flop into the rocking chair and say nothing. akai; two minutes is up, he calls again.
"I said.. GET HOME NOW!! Where does she live!?"
So I ask Torrey what the address is, and I relay it to Phil.
"I'm coming to pick you up. Get your shit ready!"
And, that's that. He called a third time, but I don't remember anything of what he said, other than "Russell's dead".
Okay, so, what the hell? Why?
So, I go back to the other room, sit, watch Halo through tears. Russ asks who it was, I tell him it was Phil. Well, I actually sort of.. sobbed it out.. but anyway. Halo paused, and Torrey and Russ fell silent as Phil uplled into the driveway and hnoked the horn obnoxiously. (He didn't come until about 15 minutes later after the last call; during that span of time I did nothing but sit in the living room and cry, Russ sat beside me silently as Torrey played Halo. Russ' dad also called too, and Russ got in trouble; I said "You too," and I told him what Phil said.) Jozzy woke up and I explained everything to her, too. Phil was outside yelling for me to "hurry up and get my shit together", Jozzy and I went out to try to talk to him twice, but went inside the house, me in tears, both times. Half an hour later (also a few honks, a lot of yelling, many tears, and 1 phone call to the police later), he actually came into the house, against Wolf's warning, and started yelling at me. I don't remember if he called me anything (but I'm sure he did), but I remember Wolf jumping in front of me and screaming "It's not her fault". He called her a liar and a "fucking troublemaker"; told Russell not to go near me, and accused us of smoking pot.
"No one smokes pot in MY house!" Wolf screamed.
"Then you must have incense burning! Sorry!" (This was like.. 5 minutes later, after a lot of yelling and screaming)
I'm not sure how events ran after that, but I knokw that Phil stomped into the kitchen and answerd the phone when the State Police called back and said something about "it's my daughter", then yelled some more at us, then tried to physically get me to go out the door. He grabbed my arm and heaved me down the steps; Wolf grabbed me back and she hugged to me for my life, screaming "get the fuck out of my house!" I didnt' see what happened, but Phil screamed something and went outside to the Jeep. I had sunk to the stairs, gripping th ebanaster and sobbing uncontrollably for a few minues, as Russ crouched next to me, and Wolf hugged herself over me protectively. I ended up mumbling a meager "I'm sorry" eventually, and was greeted with reassuring "It's not your fault--he's a jerk" comments.
Damn fucking right he's a jerk.
Somewhere in that mess, after he played "let's try to break Krystal's arm", Jozzy's mother called. Joz was so histerical that Kelly couldn't understand what she was saying, and when I tried to explain it to her, I didn't make much sense, either. Kelly called Meme, and I went back to the den where Russ was standing. He had this really wierd expression on his face, and his eyes were really strange, but comforting in an odd way. I couldn't stand his gaze, though, so I submitted myself to crying into his chest pitifully.
Jozzy's Meme came down and sorted everything out. I sort of don't like her much anymore, but I admit now, that she did make sense. But at the time, I was blinded with fury and rebellion.
"he is your legal guardian," she said, "and you're not 18 yet. You need to get your things and go home, right now."
Phil adopted a smug "You're still a worm to me" look, and did some asskissing to Meme. I wanted to make Wolverine's claws explode from my knuckles so I could rake them across his scalp and skin him alive.... I gave Wolf and Russ the most scared/pitiful look I could manage without crying again, and left.
On the way home in the Jeep, all I heard was: "Someone was smoking pot; who'se idea was it to call the cops (I told him it was mine, because it was); I'm disappointed it you; if you pull ths again I'll disown you and never talk to you again (to which my mind responded: Good!); If Joslynn ever sticks her scrawny ass in my face again.....; Why did Russel protect you from me--I wasn't going to hit you or anything!" (Well, let's see. Russell DIDN'T jump up to protect me, he was paralyzed. And, Russ doesn't know that Phil wouln't ever hit me.. no one does, because everyone thinks otherwise.)
You get the point. I then asked him why he was mad at us, and this is my favorite part:
"You know damn well why I am pissed! You lied to me!"
"I did not!" (actually, I did.)
"You lied, and I'm mad because you were being a sneaky little bitch."
"You don't trust me? You don't trust Russell?"
"I don't trust him! His father's a fucking child molester!!" (That's not true)
So here's where that conversation went: I told Phil that the whole charge against Russ' dad was bogus, because it is. And besides that, it's three or four years old. I told him that Russ wasn't like his dad anyways, and to prove mythesis I said "Look at you, and me! You were so many things, and I'm nothing like you." I don't know Russell's dad, so I can't pass judgement, but Russell is no "child molester". Hell, he and I are still children ourselves!
So we get home and I am told to go to my room. I do, for two seconds while I grab clothes. I took a shower instead, and then toweldried my hair outside, while talking to a guy from the state police. I told him everything, minus the part where Phil grabbed for me and tried to pull me out to the Jeep.
"Is he your boyfriend," the cop asked. I wanted to say yes, sort of, because I guess.. we kind of are.. but the way he made it sound was so childish.. it's like "there's a whole plate of cookies, but did he steal YOUR cookie??" (leaving out the part "if you weren't so childish, you'd just get another and forget it)
"no... not really. We're just good friends."
...
"How long has he (Phil) been living with you?"
"Since I was 3."
"So eh's the only father figure you have."
"yes."
"Has he ever hit you excessively?"
".. ..no."
What I didn't say was "not normally, no, unless I really deserved it."
So the cop gave me advice. He siad I should have called home even it if WAS 3 or 4 in the morning, to let someone know that Russ was lseeping over, too. That's sort of like the whole "You know you can call me anytime if you get drunk and need a ride home", but then you try to call and get the whole "YOU WERE DRINKING!?"
--
I know it makes sense and all, but it just doesn't seem fair for the kids of the generation, ya know? But, ti's okay, because I have a shiedl better than the dragon clan--I have friends like Wolf and Shovel. They live, they suffer, and they fight on, with me by their sides.
Wolf, thanks for helping me fight the monsters away. Maybe next time, we'll win; just not this round, not this life. But maybe in the next.
DragonShadow: "What to know why I never push back when pushed, Shovel? What to know why I always say I can't fight back with my parents, Bill? What to now what I always talk about killing myself, Snobri?? This is why."
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| Good things don't come to those who wait. |
[25 Jun 2003|07:04pm] |
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Solved my Triangle, all. Thought I'd let you know... but it wasn't pretty, and it wasn't easy, either.
It's been decided that I'm gonna stay with Shovel. He's closer to home, he's there when I need someone to take comfort in physically, even though all he does is poke and tickle and flirt.
I still like Panzer, and I want him to understand that. I know I've hurt him by letting him believe something that wasn't true; but I was falling for him. For a while. Maybe it was what he said, or how he said it, or that he seemed to understand more then the other males I know. Or maybe it was I didn't know any males from Maine. That could be....
But I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to rip his heart out, and I vowed not to, but I did it anyway. I thought he had taken it okay... but, no.
Cait said that he called her, crying, and saying how sad he was, and how much he loved me, and how he wants me to be happy and all, but that he'd rather have me happy with him... and... she told me that today before we left, and it made me truly sad.
Panzer dear, I do love you, but my feelings shifted from you to Shovel, because you two seem sort of alike in a strange way, and he's closer to home and all that... and I'm scared to death to say anything to you, because you're so much older than I am.. and... I dunno.. I'm just scared about it.
--
So, I made Evahn upset beyond comprehension. And I'm sorry I did so, and I wish I could take it back;; but if I did, it would only worsen things later, when he came to visit and found out about Shovel in person. That would REALLY suck.. and I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my enemies. (well, maybe)
Anyway, I'm very sorry for all the trouble, my dear, and all the pain. Don't think you're the only one hurt by it, because it wasn't peaches for me, either. I don't know what to say, or how to make you feel better about it.... other than Don't just 'roll on', because that's why these things keep happening to you. History won't repeat itself if you stop time and give yourself a break. And don't think that just because I can't like you the way you like me, that I don't want to stay friends with ya. You're a good kid, and an excellent friend and ally. And that's worth more than the world to me.
Love you always,
Draggie
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| *steals poll* |
[25 Jun 2003|07:04pm] |
* What color are your walls:
Color? A fugly tan-brown wallpapar from like.. the 40s
* What color is your bedspread/sheets:
Lime-ish green; Emerald/Navy reverse comforter
* What color is your rug:
Every color of the rainbow..and more.
* Any posters/bulletin boards/calenders/designs in your room:
Yep. Pocket Monsters...and...uh.. a dragon I traced..?
* Do you have a TV/is it big:
Yes; it's average-sized, but it's not working right now. *sad*
* Do you have a phone:
No. I'm a hobbit.
* Do you have your own computer:
Yes! And it has the following: Wordpad, Notepad, and a Defragging device. (no, sadly, no Internet)
* Do you have a desk:
Yes.
* What are your most treasured belongings in your room:
My bed, and my little nightstand. Because all the things I can't live without... are on/under
* What are your most favorite things in your room:
Stuff that belongs in the garbage, prolly.
* Do you have any fancy lights in your room:
I have this neat little snake-neck light that's really small and REALLY bright... but no lightbulb.. so, no.
// GETTING READY //
01. What is the first thing you do when you wake up: Say: "Wonder when he'll call today..?"
02. Anything unusual:
All the time; but it's too many things to even start to list.
03. Do you pick out your clothes the night before school:
*snark* Yeah fuggin' RIGHT.
04. Do you try your best to look cute for school/work:
Uh... no?
// HOME //
When you come home are you...
01. Miserable: Yes
02. Happy: No, unless I bring home a friend or three.
03. Tired: Lately? Very.
04. LEAVE ME ALONE: Always. *nods*
// OTHER //
01. Do you take walks around your neighborhood:
I've done that... twice. And I've lived here for YEARS. So, no.
02. What are some hobbies of yours:
The three Rs: Reading, Writing/Roleplaying, Rrrr... drawing (that's an R.)
03. Do you collect anything:
Diseases?
04. What do you do in your spare time:
Plot destruction of things, draw, write, roleplay (also writing, since I'm banned from MBV again), sleep, feed.
05. Are you in love, or at least falling:
Uh, hi. My name's Shadow, and I'm definatly on the ground for a certain Shovel of mine..
// NIGHT TIME //
01. What do you do before you go to bed:
Glower; if Shovel's around, I sleep, then he leaves, then I get up, go potty, and sleep some more. *grin*
02. Do you kiss your parents/guardians goodnight, or just say goodnight:
Used to. Years ago, like.. 5 years ago... Don't anymore, because I *dislike* them now.
03. What way do you sleep (ex: on your side, tummy, etc.):
Start on my side, end up on my side. (after squirming around alot in my sleep, kicking things, drooling a bit, and laying on my stomach/face/back for a while) Usually end up curled in a fetal ball position thing... you know how it works.
04. Do you like your life:
Not mine.
Last cigarette: *gags*
Last car ride: A few hours ago. Went to the pond.
Last good cry: Last week when I was on the phone with Shovel. It was a bad cry, actually, because I was upset... but still.
Last library book checked out:
I don't remember that far back, sorry.
Last movie seen:
Reign of Fire
Last book read:
*shrug*
Last cuss word uttered:
"Fuggin'", "Get the FUCK away from me!"
Last beverage drank:
Some of Fungus's red Mountain Dew
Last food consumed:
Something from Wolf's house.
Last crush:
Last, or can it be present?
Last phone call: Nora, unfortunately. *glower*
Last TV show watched: Some weird show/movie thing about this kid obsessed with Chess so much that he grew up and killed himself by jumping out a window to get to the World Championship chess match he was supposed to play in. (???)
Last time showered: This morning, unless you count swimming, then.. this morning.
Last shoes worn: The blue/gray ones I always wear.
Last CD played: Seven Channels
Last item bought: Happy Bunny pen that reads "You suck, and that's sad"
Last downloaded: I don't download anymore. I have dialup
Last annoyance: The Fungus.
Last disappointment: When Shovel told me he wanted to "go out and visit his brother"
Last thing written: This?
Last key used: I have keys?
Last word spoken: "spoken"
Last sleep: In the car on the way to the lake
Last IM: Rubii
Last ice cream eaten: Mint Chocolate chip at Aubri's house.
Last time amused: This morning, when I saw Shovel in his "flaming shorts"
Last time wanting to die: Couple days ago
Last time hugged: Friday night when I went to Shovel's mother's house; she hugged me and said she was sorry, because she heard about what happened earlier that day
Last time scolded: Yesterday
Last time resentful: Filling out applications for a job, 2 hours ago
Last chair sat in: Kitchen chair/compy chair
Last underwear worn: Uh.. white?
Last bra worn: *checks* blue.
Last shirt worn: The blue thing with other blue stripes..?
Last time dancing: Prom, anyone?
Last poster looked at: Non-applicable. I don't own any.
Last web page visited: LIVEJOURNAL! YAY!
--
I'm leaving.
--DragonShadow
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[20 Jun 2003|11:51am] |
Hey! Guess what. Shovel's not mad at me; he said he never was in the first place. And... I actually believe it.
Not like Bill, when he says "I'm not angry", which when translated, usually means "I wish I could make you die".
So... haven't really reported in a while. Not angry at me. Not sad because I'm hated. In a good mood, sort of. Unless you mention anything about my family, because they are still of the opinion that I need a job, because I need almost $3000 before the end of August. Face it, hoomons, there is no job where I will make that much money in so little time. Not doing it. No.
Shovel's going camping with Robbie and his mother for a week, down at some place called Hermit Island. For a week. Good thing about that, though, is he said he can get his mother to come talk to my Units, to see if I can go with them for a few days. Maybe until Tuesday, when Robbie has to come back to Bangor for a bit.
*shrug*
Who knows?
--
Anyway... Wolf, dear, I hope I see you soon. I miss you so! Dragons' strength be with you, I'm sure you'll need it if your cousins are as bad as what you've said. *TT*
Miss you all; love you all; hope you're all having a good summer. You know.
--DragonShadow: "I'm a Gay Yo-yo."
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| All the things you'll ever need to know. |
[20 Jun 2003|11:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
Okay. I followed this little trend I have seen going around on my friends' journals, and took that quiz thing-type ...thing... for a few of my names.
*sweatdrop*
| ladyvulture | | Magic Number | 11 | | Job | Politician | | Personality | A Worrier, I Worry That I Worry Too Much | | Temperament | A Yo-Yo | | Sexual | Gay | | Likely To Win | A Nobel Prize | | Me - In A Word | Ditsy | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
|
Sort of me, I guess.
| dragonshadow | | Magic Number | 12 | | Job | Conservationist | | Personality | I'd Quite Like One | | Temperament | An Oft-Exploding Volcano | | Sexual | If I Have To | | Likely To Win | A Place On The Bench (For The Reserves) | | Me - In A Word | Effervescent | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
|
That works. I don't think most Conservationists have personality, do they??
| kay | | Magic Number | 10 | | Job | Leader of the Free World | | Personality | Sunshine And Blue Skies | | Temperament | Steely | | Sexual | Whatever, Whenever, Whoever | | Likely To Win | A Swimming Badge | | Me - In A Word | Divine | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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*.....LOL* Yeah right. Like my little Kay would do that? *snirk*
| kkp. | | Magic Number | 12 | | Job | 9 to 5 Lifer | | Personality | Slacker | | Temperament | Angry - At Everthing | | Sexual | Straight | | Likely To Win | A Nobel Prize | | Me - In A Word | Startling | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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9-5 Lifer, with a slacker personality. Yep. That's me.
| naom | | Magic Number | 13 | | Job | Serial Killer | | Personality | Slacker | | Temperament | What You Lookin' At? | | Sexual | Straight | | Likely To Win | A Nobel Prize | | Me - In A Word | Startling | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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Personally, I like this one the best. Suits me, no?
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| *insert tears here* |
[17 Jun 2003|05:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
*smashes face into keyboard*
I don't know how to say I'm sorry. And I don't know how to say I love him, either. I continue to degrade his status in my life, by saying that the way I was treating him on the phone today was "the way I treat all my friends when they're like this".
One of many mistakes.
The first mistake was going to Prom. I had a lot of fun, yes, and I liked him then, and even moreso now, but if we hadn't of went, then I would not be stuck like this.
The mistake after that was letting him come over to the house everyday for the past two weeks. Sometimes he leaves at midnight-and-a-half, sometimes he leaves at 10, by word of Phil. But he's always coming over now. Not a bad thing--a very very good thing.
Another mistake was convincing him to not smoke the cigarettes in his car. Because when he "listened" to my warning, it made me feel like I had more power than I really do. I took something from him that was part of him, and not until this morning did I realize what I did.
But, worse than that, I tried to break the mold he's slapped himself into, when I tried to use my "power" to make him stop his OTHER smoking habit.
Maybe I'm being too paranoid about all this. I don't know. He gets himself a fix, then he drives around like the dragracer he thinks he his. Nothing wrong with his driving--I just don't like the idea of him driving the way he does (Jozzy driving + 40mph) when he's... "impaired".
I don't want anything to happen to him. He's a really good friend, and maybe more than that. I don't know yet. But if he keeps trying to do this, and if I keep trying to convince him not to drive a zillion miles an hour around Bangor while he's stoned, then there won't be much of a friendship left between us.
He made me cry today. Aubri can be witness to that. She actually left, it was either so stupid, or so bad. He was telling me how he was going to go out to his brothers and get himself a fix, then he wanted to know if he might stop by my house again. I gave him the option of either getting stoned and having a door shut in his face, or staying straight so I'd let him come over.
I don't want a fucked up kid in my house. He came over like that once, and didn't tell me about it. That was the night he came over late, because he spent two hours with friends of friends, getting some pot for me. Because he thought I had told him that I was a smoker, too.
I'm so angry at myself that I'm going in circles. I'm leaving before I say something I'll later regret..
--One Dragon's Shadow
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ladyvulture's journal
